Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
