Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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