im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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