so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
