this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
