the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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