That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
