So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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