Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
