i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
