I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
