What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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