I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
