this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
