i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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