guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
