Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
