Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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