This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
