I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
