Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
