Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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