I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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