A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
