why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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