I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
