You're completely useless in the revolution.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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