my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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