I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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