Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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