tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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