Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
