im six kinds of drunk right now
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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