now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
