You don't have asthma, your pregnant
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
