When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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