You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
