that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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