mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
