Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
