so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
