he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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