My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
