i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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