I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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