my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
