His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
