There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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