I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
