I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
