Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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